I Have a Confession to Make...

1. I am trying really hard to make it to the end of this school year without ending a life. Whether that life is my own, one of my students, or a colleague's is, at this time, inconsequential.

2. I am also trying very hard to get out of Boston. I have had interviews to climb the educational ladder (i.e. "Vice Principal"), but it seems that I won't get hired until I have some experience as a vice principal. This seems to be a problem because I don't exactly know how to get the experience. I am going to simply unload on the next poor soul who asks me how the job hunt is going....which leads to the confession...

3. No one at my current school knows I am outta here. My wife is most likely going to accept a job elsewhere, which means it would be a good idea if I went with her. We only have about 2 weeks of school left. I don't particulary want to have "that discussion" with every person I work with and with every one of my students. I just had to get that off my chest.

So I found this and discovered that my many-checkered past moves as an army brat has given me quite the vast array of linguistic diversity. Pretty interesting, methinks. According to the quiz I am all over the map with my language profile, save maybe any true "Midwest" like the St. Louis and Boise regions. Can I get a ruling on where, exactly, the the "Upper Midwest" and the "Midwest" dividing line is? Anyway, I find it interesting, seeing as how I teach English and all...

Your Linguistic Profile:

65% General American English

20% Yankee

5% Dixie

5% Upper Midwestern

0% Midwestern

Does Everyone Understand I Teach English?

So my math may be a bit off....but it's placement time for my young gentlemen of distinction. I hate this time every damn year. I teach (among other things) the two sections of the "honors" track of sophomore English. The hardest thing to do is tell a student or a parent that they have lost the mojo necessary to continue in the honors track. It's all my fault. I would now like to jump in the "way-back machine" and change some things...

My first year at Private All Boy School was a trainwreck. You know, musch like everyone's first year teaching. Add to it, though, there was a complete lack of continuity and structure in the English curriculum within the school. So my 2nd year at this job I lobbied for some sort of structure to be incorporated within our department. I thought that a world lit/survey/Intro course for freshman, a course in American Literature for sophomores, a course in British/World Lit for Juniors, and then the seniors, who classes branch into AP and electives, would and could go back and cherry-pick the more difficult texts from any genre and use them. (Faustus? Voltaire's Candide?...you get the idea). I won my argument....sort of. I had the unenviable task of rewriting the curriculum (as a 2nd year teacher) accompanied by the ire of the veteran teachers who were pissed at me for stirring the pot and forcing them to either adapt their lessons to fit into the track or change teaching grade levels. It's amazing how some people, after years of teaching only freshman, feel that they are unable to teach another grade level. It blows me away. Anyway...For some odd reason the P.T.B. (Powers that BE) decided it was a good plan but since the sophomores study European History, they should be reading British/World Lit. I disagreed on the basis that American Literature is a bit easier to comprehend, it being more "modern". I was overruled. Back to placements....

So, all the freshman honors students, generally about 48 or so, move into MY Brit. Lit. Honors sections. Any student from the college prep sections who performs can move into the honors level as a sophomore too. This means, on average, I get about 56-58 students in my honors classes. That is an average of 2 classes (mandated) of about 28 students each. In an honors class. Parents love it, they think that their children are brilliant, the school loves it because it's great PR for how wonderfully smart our boys are, and I hate it. (Not to mention, I am convinced that my sophomore course is, based on the texts, a much more difficult course then the junior one, and the attrition rate is astounding as is). Now, for your mathematical consideration...based on a recent field trup I arranged for the sophomore class we have exactly 168 young cherubs in our sophomore class. Hmmm....

58/168 = .345

That is to say, we have approximately 35% of our sophomore class who are "honors" level. Does this not seem ridiculously ballooned? Can anyone tell me if that is as high as I think it SHOULDN'T BE?!

SO, by default I am in postition to crush souls and destroy self-esteem because I HAVE MORE STUDENTS IN THE SECTIONS THAN ARE CAPABLE OF COMPREHENDING THE MATERIAL. About this time, the PTB decided that since our AP courses for seniors can have NO MORE than 16 students, we have to start "trimming the field" at the junior year. It's apparently unfair to put this responsibility on the Junior honors teacher (who is a great dude, mind you). So they tell me that I have to move (each year) from 58 honors-level sophomores to 44 honors-level juniors.

58 - 44 = 14. I have to eliminate 14 students, clear off the top. This also doesn't cover the college prep kids who have, based on their grades/ performance, earned a spot in the Junior honors level too....

Do you know how many angry parents I have to deal with now? I mean, it's unbelievable. I have repeated the phrases, "You know, he'll be an A student in the college prep courses" and "He has been out-performed by other students...His "C" average this year indicates he is not a viable candidate."?

Arrg. Damn the man. I guess that is what I get for trying to change the system. I have to go grade "Macbeth" tests now.

Things I Want to Say At Parent-Teacher Conferences

1. "I understand that you feel I am responsible for your child's failures in English. You then must also understand that he is a fucking moron."

2. "Your son is a living example of why some animals eat their young."

3. "Thanks to your gruff, abrasive personality coupled with what appears to be blinders on in relation to your child, I now feel really bad that he has to come home to you every night and attempt to be somewhat constructive."

4. "No, it's your fault. Turn off the TV."

5. "I think he's just fucking lazy."

6. "If I could teach a course in literature where students didn't have to actually read, believe me, I would. It would be easier on us all."

7. "If your child interrupts my class one more time I will be forced to deposit him out of one of the windows. I just felt like you should know this."

8. "Has he missed any homework? How are his test grades? What are we reading right now in class? Those are some fine questions but let me ask you this...Do you actually ever communicate with your own child?"

9. "Can your family save up some cash and buy the boy some pants and a belt that fit? I only ask because the daily boxer shorts show he puts on is getting a bit old for me."

10. "No, I will not call/email/contact you each week to inform you of his progress. I would love to, but you see, I have ninety-nine other students to watch over too and your desire to monopolize my time is going to really affect them."

11. "Are you busy next Tuesday between 3 and 5 in the afternoon, or perhaps, 6 and 8 in the evening? I only ask so I can show up at your job and criticize the things that you do and second guess your every move. Can I also have your boss's phone number so I can immediately complain about you to him without you even knowing. Thanks."

Sanjaya Malakar is the Devil

I know it's been forever. No one is reading anyway. I haven't even read in a little bit. Anyway, the Wife is watching "American Idol" and I can't stay silent anymore. I do not consider myself a fan, but I am not being critical just for the sake of slamming the show, either. With that in mind, here's the point.

With a few exceptions, most of these people are talentless peons who dream of being famous. This guy Sanjaya should be sitting in the back of a high school drama class hoping the star of the school gets in a car accident so he might have a chance to sing in public. I just saw a young girl crying....CRYING....during that guy Sanjaya's song. I don't know which is worse...

News flash: Although it is physically impossible, Sanjaya both sucks and blows. And I don't even know anything about music.

One more over-inflated sense of self-worth from the generation of "I'm special". I can't take it. For what it's worth, crazy "red streaks in her hair" contestant just mentioned blogs...I can't help but think she means me.

And lastly, I would love for one episode to have the judges critiques begin with Paula Abdul. They sit her in the middle so she can echo the other guy, right? Does she have independant intellectual thoughts? Has anyone checked her for brain waves? Aren't there people who can check on this?

The End of the World as We Know It (with apologies to Michael Stipe)

bSoooo....

I love election time. So much ammunition for me to stew over. The current debate here in Massachusetts is whether or not to let "supermarkets" sell wine. Here's the actual verbiage:

"Question 1: Sale of Wine by Food Stores - This proposed law would allow local licensing authorities to issue licenses for food stores to sell wine. The proposed law defines a "“food store" as a retail vendor, such as a grocery store, supermarket, shop, club, outlet, or warehouse-type seller, that sells food to consumers to be eaten elsewhere (which must include meat, poultry, dairy products, eggs, fresh fruit and produce, and other specified items), and that may sell other items usually found in grocery stores. Holders of licenses to sell wine at food stores could sell wine either on its own or together with any other items they sell."

I have to wonder why we are even asking ourselves this question. Granted, if this was 1780 and we were in Massachusetts, I get it. But only two other states don't allow this practice...
The opponents of Question 1 say that it will cause more auto accidents, (by those winos), more underage drinking (all those high school students who love a 68' cabernet to chug... as if Stop & Shop, a billion dollar company would risk $$ by selling to minors), and generally bring about plagues, a new form of the holocaust, and some sort of alien invasion. The fact is that studies have shown prices of wine in Massachusetts are higher on average because wine stores have a monopoly on their sales. The fact that other competitors could undercut their profits has some liquor-barons really ticked off. I love it.

But I do have one complaint. Why now?

I mean, this couldn't have passed about a few years ago when I was a binge-drinking college student? Now I am old and too tired to care.

Ahh...you wacky parents, you.

We had parent's night last week. It was a Tuesday evening. Things like that make Wednesday morning come WAY too early...

While I am on the subject, parent mini-schedule night is always a painful excursion into the dog and pony show that I have to put on daily between 7:30 and 3:00 each day, only it's remixed and made acceptable for adult ears. The parents follow an abbreviated schedule of their child and sit in on each class for about 8 minutes while I kick my old school rhymes about how I will teach the class. They look, listen, and all appear to have a look on their faces that is either utter confusion about my little ditty or a pitiful look of "don't flunk my child even though he is American and should be able to communicate in English, yet lacks the ability to smash a subject and a verb together in the creation of one coherent sentence."

I jest. I don't want anyone to think that I don't like my job or my students. It's just the parents and grading that I hate. If I could get rid of one, or both, of these two things, life would be just ducky.

Anyway, I don't know if parents get together and talk about this when I am not around, but it needs to be outed. Inevitably on this night some parents will approach me and tell me that their child "loves" my class and "talks about it all the time at home". Now, maybe I am a sucker, but I fall for it. Those kids are now predisposed to good grades. I can't help it. Worst of all, I know it is a scam. If it's not, I am officially going to make it one. I wonder if back when I was in Algebra II or Art Fundamentals, (two classes in which I (ahem) did less than wonderful), had my parents lied to the teacher and told them how much I loved and talked about the class, would I have gottern better grades? I don't know, but I have to think so. As a matter of fact, when my first child (who is not officially in existence as of right now, unless my wife hasn't told me something) goes to school, I will go to all his/her teachers and tell them that my child comes home daily singing their praises.! I may have my kids write flattering haiku's about the genius of their teachers and "accidentally" have them fall out of my pocket in the teacher's presence. Who knows?! It works on me, it's worth a shot on others, I suppose. I can't be the only sucker. (As I cross my fingers and hope...)

On an additional note, although on principle I refuse to discuss individual students and their progress/lack thereof on this night, some parents find it necessary to have discussions about their child. Folks, let's begin with me telling you that in the second week of school, I have no clue which one is yours...they are all the same to me at this time. I just gave you between six and eight minutes of my finest improv in the hopes that you sleep better at night knowing the guy teaching your child is not only competent but also somewhat charismatic or at partially whacked out enough to interest high schoolers to read "1984".

This job is nuts.