Things I Want to Say At Parent-Teacher Conferences

1. "I understand that you feel I am responsible for your child's failures in English. You then must also understand that he is a fucking moron."

2. "Your son is a living example of why some animals eat their young."

3. "Thanks to your gruff, abrasive personality coupled with what appears to be blinders on in relation to your child, I now feel really bad that he has to come home to you every night and attempt to be somewhat constructive."

4. "No, it's your fault. Turn off the TV."

5. "I think he's just fucking lazy."

6. "If I could teach a course in literature where students didn't have to actually read, believe me, I would. It would be easier on us all."

7. "If your child interrupts my class one more time I will be forced to deposit him out of one of the windows. I just felt like you should know this."

8. "Has he missed any homework? How are his test grades? What are we reading right now in class? Those are some fine questions but let me ask you this...Do you actually ever communicate with your own child?"

9. "Can your family save up some cash and buy the boy some pants and a belt that fit? I only ask because the daily boxer shorts show he puts on is getting a bit old for me."

10. "No, I will not call/email/contact you each week to inform you of his progress. I would love to, but you see, I have ninety-nine other students to watch over too and your desire to monopolize my time is going to really affect them."

11. "Are you busy next Tuesday between 3 and 5 in the afternoon, or perhaps, 6 and 8 in the evening? I only ask so I can show up at your job and criticize the things that you do and second guess your every move. Can I also have your boss's phone number so I can immediately complain about you to him without you even knowing. Thanks."