So I found this and discovered that my many-checkered past moves as an army brat has given me quite the vast array of linguistic diversity. Pretty interesting, methinks. According to the quiz I am all over the map with my language profile, save maybe any true "Midwest" like the St. Louis and Boise regions. Can I get a ruling on where, exactly, the the "Upper Midwest" and the "Midwest" dividing line is? Anyway, I find it interesting, seeing as how I teach English and all...

Your Linguistic Profile:

65% General American English

20% Yankee

5% Dixie

5% Upper Midwestern

0% Midwestern

Does Everyone Understand I Teach English?

So my math may be a bit off....but it's placement time for my young gentlemen of distinction. I hate this time every damn year. I teach (among other things) the two sections of the "honors" track of sophomore English. The hardest thing to do is tell a student or a parent that they have lost the mojo necessary to continue in the honors track. It's all my fault. I would now like to jump in the "way-back machine" and change some things...

My first year at Private All Boy School was a trainwreck. You know, musch like everyone's first year teaching. Add to it, though, there was a complete lack of continuity and structure in the English curriculum within the school. So my 2nd year at this job I lobbied for some sort of structure to be incorporated within our department. I thought that a world lit/survey/Intro course for freshman, a course in American Literature for sophomores, a course in British/World Lit for Juniors, and then the seniors, who classes branch into AP and electives, would and could go back and cherry-pick the more difficult texts from any genre and use them. (Faustus? Voltaire's Candide?...you get the idea). I won my argument....sort of. I had the unenviable task of rewriting the curriculum (as a 2nd year teacher) accompanied by the ire of the veteran teachers who were pissed at me for stirring the pot and forcing them to either adapt their lessons to fit into the track or change teaching grade levels. It's amazing how some people, after years of teaching only freshman, feel that they are unable to teach another grade level. It blows me away. Anyway...For some odd reason the P.T.B. (Powers that BE) decided it was a good plan but since the sophomores study European History, they should be reading British/World Lit. I disagreed on the basis that American Literature is a bit easier to comprehend, it being more "modern". I was overruled. Back to placements....

So, all the freshman honors students, generally about 48 or so, move into MY Brit. Lit. Honors sections. Any student from the college prep sections who performs can move into the honors level as a sophomore too. This means, on average, I get about 56-58 students in my honors classes. That is an average of 2 classes (mandated) of about 28 students each. In an honors class. Parents love it, they think that their children are brilliant, the school loves it because it's great PR for how wonderfully smart our boys are, and I hate it. (Not to mention, I am convinced that my sophomore course is, based on the texts, a much more difficult course then the junior one, and the attrition rate is astounding as is). Now, for your mathematical consideration...based on a recent field trup I arranged for the sophomore class we have exactly 168 young cherubs in our sophomore class. Hmmm....

58/168 = .345

That is to say, we have approximately 35% of our sophomore class who are "honors" level. Does this not seem ridiculously ballooned? Can anyone tell me if that is as high as I think it SHOULDN'T BE?!

SO, by default I am in postition to crush souls and destroy self-esteem because I HAVE MORE STUDENTS IN THE SECTIONS THAN ARE CAPABLE OF COMPREHENDING THE MATERIAL. About this time, the PTB decided that since our AP courses for seniors can have NO MORE than 16 students, we have to start "trimming the field" at the junior year. It's apparently unfair to put this responsibility on the Junior honors teacher (who is a great dude, mind you). So they tell me that I have to move (each year) from 58 honors-level sophomores to 44 honors-level juniors.

58 - 44 = 14. I have to eliminate 14 students, clear off the top. This also doesn't cover the college prep kids who have, based on their grades/ performance, earned a spot in the Junior honors level too....

Do you know how many angry parents I have to deal with now? I mean, it's unbelievable. I have repeated the phrases, "You know, he'll be an A student in the college prep courses" and "He has been out-performed by other students...His "C" average this year indicates he is not a viable candidate."?

Arrg. Damn the man. I guess that is what I get for trying to change the system. I have to go grade "Macbeth" tests now.

Things I Want to Say At Parent-Teacher Conferences

1. "I understand that you feel I am responsible for your child's failures in English. You then must also understand that he is a fucking moron."

2. "Your son is a living example of why some animals eat their young."

3. "Thanks to your gruff, abrasive personality coupled with what appears to be blinders on in relation to your child, I now feel really bad that he has to come home to you every night and attempt to be somewhat constructive."

4. "No, it's your fault. Turn off the TV."

5. "I think he's just fucking lazy."

6. "If I could teach a course in literature where students didn't have to actually read, believe me, I would. It would be easier on us all."

7. "If your child interrupts my class one more time I will be forced to deposit him out of one of the windows. I just felt like you should know this."

8. "Has he missed any homework? How are his test grades? What are we reading right now in class? Those are some fine questions but let me ask you this...Do you actually ever communicate with your own child?"

9. "Can your family save up some cash and buy the boy some pants and a belt that fit? I only ask because the daily boxer shorts show he puts on is getting a bit old for me."

10. "No, I will not call/email/contact you each week to inform you of his progress. I would love to, but you see, I have ninety-nine other students to watch over too and your desire to monopolize my time is going to really affect them."

11. "Are you busy next Tuesday between 3 and 5 in the afternoon, or perhaps, 6 and 8 in the evening? I only ask so I can show up at your job and criticize the things that you do and second guess your every move. Can I also have your boss's phone number so I can immediately complain about you to him without you even knowing. Thanks."

Sanjaya Malakar is the Devil

I know it's been forever. No one is reading anyway. I haven't even read in a little bit. Anyway, the Wife is watching "American Idol" and I can't stay silent anymore. I do not consider myself a fan, but I am not being critical just for the sake of slamming the show, either. With that in mind, here's the point.

With a few exceptions, most of these people are talentless peons who dream of being famous. This guy Sanjaya should be sitting in the back of a high school drama class hoping the star of the school gets in a car accident so he might have a chance to sing in public. I just saw a young girl crying....CRYING....during that guy Sanjaya's song. I don't know which is worse...

News flash: Although it is physically impossible, Sanjaya both sucks and blows. And I don't even know anything about music.

One more over-inflated sense of self-worth from the generation of "I'm special". I can't take it. For what it's worth, crazy "red streaks in her hair" contestant just mentioned blogs...I can't help but think she means me.

And lastly, I would love for one episode to have the judges critiques begin with Paula Abdul. They sit her in the middle so she can echo the other guy, right? Does she have independant intellectual thoughts? Has anyone checked her for brain waves? Aren't there people who can check on this?